Do not expect Egypt to be one long cruise up the Nile sipping gin as the sun sets.
It's dirty, crazy, ridiculous and it really helps to be a little prepared - so this short Egypt travel guide should help!
The people are funny and frustrating, the beer is expensive and only available in hotels. But Egyptians are friendly people - in fact they're a bunch of practical jokers.
The moment you walk out of a hotel in Cairo someone will sidle up to you: "Where are you going my friend?" "Which country are you from?" "How long are you here?" This roughly translates as "How much money do you have? Have you been here long enough to work out what is a fair price for a taxi? Should I talk about Man Utd or Liverpool?"
My advice is get out of Cairo - the world's second most polluted city - as fast as you can. Squeeze in a trip to the pyramids and the amazing new National Museum of Egyptian Civilization which has finally opened after years of delays - then make tracks.
Pyramid Selling
My memories of the pyramids at Giza on my first full day in Egypt after no sleep, are a bit vague. There was a bastard on a camel who wouldn't leave me alone. I was fumbling with the camera to get a picture and he rode right into shot. "It's OK OK," no problem he smiled.
Then of course once I'd taken the picture with him and dumb camel smiling stupidly out of the frame he demanded I pay him. The pyramids themselves are truly impressive, but the sprawl of Cairo right next to them detracts a little from their mystery.
If you don't suffer from claustrophobia it's worthy squeezing your way down one of the cramped hot passageways into the centre of one of them to the burial chambers. Try to time your entry for when there are fewer other tourists around - first thing if you're there early, otherwise lunchtime.
No one really knows what the cuttings through to the outside of the pyramids from the chambers were for, but there's certainly a bit of an Indiana Jones element to it all. Right next to the pyramids there's the mighty Sphinx which, despite the erosion retains its air of mysterious contemplation.
Giza is a hawkers' paradise and you have to accept that you will be hassled a lot to buy stuff. So go prepared with your best smile and ignore the bastards!
The other must see in Cairo is the new National Museum of Egyptian Civilization which is stuffed with treasures and amazingly designed. If you're really into the relics then visit the much older Museum of Antiquities too.
Its dusty old display cases are stuffed with the most ornate statues and other valuables dripping with gold and crusted with jewels. I love the atmosphere of the place. It's a total contrast to its newer, bolder museum cousin.
Luxor
A day (or night's) train ride down the Nile from Cairo, Luxor is temple central. You could easily spend a week based here as the complexes of the Valleys of Kings and Queens are nearby as is mighty Karnak and the Colossi of Memnon.
Luxor temple itself is right in the middle of town, bathed in golden floodlight at night. This is a great time to see it when the day has lost its heat and there are fewer tourists about. Despite being in the middle of a busy town, at night at least, Luxor retains its mystery.
It's remarkable to think just how old it all is as well. Every inch of stonework is carved with intricate hieroglyphs.
I stopped to run my fingers over the birds, and gods, the plants and waves - such painstaking detail. The clarity of the carvings on the vast pillars is due to the temple being half buried under sand and silt before it was excavated by the French. They also carted off one of the two huge obelisks that stood at the temple entrance - it's now in the Place de la Concorde in Paris.
The nearby Luxor museum houses more findings from inside the temple whilst the mummification museum provides useful history about the process - a handy primer for visiting the tombs at the Valleys of the Kings and Queens.
Karnak
Mighty Karnak with its vast columns and obelisks where James Bond and Indie Jones have both hung out during their exploits on film, is truly spectacular. It's a short ride north of Luxor in a taxi or minibus.
Usually the temple is crowded in the mornings, but much quieter at lunchtime when the tour groups are all eating. So if you can stand the heat, this is the best time to wander its vast expanses.
And the place is colossal. The visitable site covers some 62 acres. Karnak's magnitude and complexity is due to 1300 years of embellishments.
The chunk you can visit is the temple of Amun which seems to disappear into infinity in a succession of absolutely huge pillars and columns. The high point is the Great Hypostyle Hall. A forest of some 6000 vast columns grouped together surprisingly close to each other. They seem to block out the sky even though the roofs and floors they once supported are now gone.
Many of the columns are covered in well preserved carvings. You could easily spend hours at Karnak, so give yourself plenty of time and come equipped with plenty of water. The Sound And Light Show that takes place every night here is a touch touristy, but very impressive and the best of such shows in Egpyt.
Kings and Queens
Hidden away in the Theban Hills about five miles away from Luxor, over the river Nile, The Valley of the Kings housed the secretive tombs of the pharaohs.
Here the ancient Egyptians hoped their mummies would remain hidden and preserved for the afterlife. The valley currently contains 62 tombs and they're still searching to uncover more of this vast underground treasure chest.
Tutankhamun's tomb is here, but most of its contents are in the museum in Cairo. Unlike the temples where the centuries of weather have dissolved most of the colour, hieroglyphics in many of the tombs are pristine - the colours as bright as they were millennia ago.
Most people find visiting three to five tombs is enough. A Valley of the Kings ticket is valid for three tombs only and you buy the ticket from at the entrance to the tomb complex. Deciding which tombs to visit is not easy.
Visiting the tombs is also hot and often crowded. It's definitely worth getting here as early as you can. The most memorable way to do so is by braying bouncing donkey. Not the most comfortable means of transport, but certainly the most ridiculous and authentic. Thankfully the donkeys know the way.
The Valley of the Queens contains even more tombs - nearly 80. Most are not as well preserved or decorated as those in the Valley of the Kings, the exception being that of Queen Nefertari which has been painstakingly restored.
However, it's still so fragile that only 100 people are allowed in a day for just ten minutes each. There are many other temples in the vicinity of the Valleys, you really could spend weeks here visiting them all.
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Dam and Blast
Further down the Nile is the pretty old town of Aswan, most famous for its huge dam which produces much of the country's power.
Aswan is smaller and quieter than Luxor. A great way to get here is to waft back and forth across the Nile for three days on an old felucca boat using nothing more than the wind and current to take you down stream. You can stop off en route at the lesser visited temples at Komombo and Edfu. The Temple of Horus at Edfu is particularly well preserved.
Once you reach Aswan, take a break from temples a while and experience a little modern day Egypt. One of the town's attractions is its souk - its narrow, crazy market streets. Here you're jostled and bustled among the crowds of people buying fruit, veg, meat and spices. It's a kaleidoscope of colour and noise, unbelievably photogenic.
There's a fair smattering of souvenir shops taking the place of the old market stalls - be prepared for a bit of light hearted hassle to get you to buy stuff.
Back in temple mode, the temple of Isis on Philae island in the middle of the river just down from the famous Aswan dam is an interesting excursion.
Well, it used to be on Philae island. It was moved bit by bit to higher ground when rising waters from the old Aswan Dam threatened to engulf it.
What's really interesting is the graffiti that has been scratched into the walls down the years. Early Christians defaced the carvings of other gods, there was stuff written in Greek, bits and pieces of French ("Paris this way") and even an epitaph in English that looked rather like an old tombstone.
Moving Sites
The great sun temple of Abu Simbel with its four gigantic statues of Rameses II is one of the most frequently used pin-ups of the Egyptian temple scene.
This vast mountainside temple was moved chunk by chunk - all 1050 blocks of it - some 700 feet up and 100 feet back to escape the rising waters of Lake Nasser created by the new Aswan dam.
It’s not the easiest of places to get to. Road transport remains an occasional security risk, though it is feasible. Many people choose to take a short flight down from Aswan costing around £70.
Aside from those four vast figures carved into the rock there's not a huge amount more to see here, but in themselves they are truly spectacular.
If you decide to make the trip, try and fit in a visit to the smaller temple of Queen Nefertari too, a little further north from the Sun Temple. The best time to visit is early morning and flights leave from Aswan as early as 6am.
You can get up at 4am, fly to Abu Simbel, see the temple and be back at your hotel in time for breakfast if you’re really short of time.
Starting planning your Egypt holiday
Flights: British Airways (www.BA.com) flies daily to Cairo from around £170 excluding taxes. Cheap charter flights to Luxor sometimes come up too. Ask your travel agent
Tours: Explore Worldwide (www.exploreworldwide.com) and Exodus (www.explore.co.uk) offer tours for independent travellers to Egypt
Egypt on the web: touregypt.net
Recommended Reading: The Rough Guide to Egypt, £11.99 (www.roughguides.com)